Albert Einstien once said (according to a Google search) that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.  He was obviously just fucking around with us. What an asshole, right? Everyone knows that one must do something over and over again in order to get better at it. That is called practicing. I think insanity is when you try something once or maybe a few times and it doesn’t instantly go your way or for some reason you feel uncomfortable so then you say “Oh fuck THIS shit” and never look back. Now that is insanity. It isn’t about comfort. Right? Seriously though, practice and good support is important.

John Wooden was an American basketball player and coach (according to a Google search and some previous “team building exercises” back when I worked a desk job)  who once said something about the most important key to achieving great success is to decide upon your goal, launch, get started, take action, move, something something something. I’ve never met him in person or anything, but I am just going to guess that when he said that he didn’t mean it literally, like take that approach with every idea or every situation in life. I mean, ok, maybe he did mean it literally at that time, but like, take it with a grain of salt depending on your personal situation. I’d bet that John Wooden probably said a bunch of other stuff prior to that statement that directly related to whatever he was talking about at that exact moment in time. I think that’s why I get so annoyed when I see those plaques up with sayings on them all over the place, like how are these helpful? For example, apparently Ghandi once said something like “The future depends on what we do in the present”. Yes Ghandi, I fucking realize that. Are you joking!? How is that inspiring!? You’ve literally given me no useable information!!

Anyway, I forgot what I was talking about, but here’s to the new year and a fresh, clean slate to start off making all the same mistakes on again, or perhaps 2011 will be a great year.

Each week (unless I forget) I will be bringing you a list of the top 4 websites new to me that week that I found to be fucking hilarious or just an extreme God Damn waste of your time but who are we kidding it’s not like you’re working right now anyway, but hurry up just in case your boss comes around the corner.

#4. Cats In Sunglasses – http://catsinsunglasses.tumblr.com/

FINALLY.

#3. Relationshit - http://www.relationshit.com/

LOTTA reading, but quite insightful.

#2. Ask Social Media Chewbacca – http://socialmediachewbacca.tumblr.com/

I was up until 4am last night asking it questions.

#1. Jesus Is Love – http://jesusislove.tumblr.com/

I know for certain now that there is no God because if there was he would have shown me this site, like, way sooner.

YOU’RE WELCOME.

Virtual Tazer Gun

This is really just a no-brainer.  With an updated more realistic sound and redesigned, futuristic look, the Tazer APP is a must have at any gathering… or really any social situation whatsoever.  The BTTV street team and I found unprecedented success time and time again in sneaking up behind total strangers.  This all-encompassing non-weapon will never fail in delivering larger than life entertainment for all parties involved.

Air Horn!

Pretty much the greatest thing to have ever been invented, this APP puts the commanding presence of an air horn right in the palm of your hand.  Trying to get a word in edgewise during a heated group discussion?  Air Horn!  Do you find yourself bored, sitting around waiting for your significant other to awaken from an afternoon nap?  Air Horn!  Loved one in a coma?  Air Horn!  Comes with six options; The Friend Maker, The Single Horn, The Good Ol’ Horn, The Multi-Horn, Support The Team, and En Espanol.  El Mariachi, indeed!  This APP also includes a built-in Tornado Siren and Whoopee Cushion function.

Cat Sounds

LOLZ!!!!!!!!!!!!  Can you imagine having 12 different cat sounds at your beck and call, all in one, conveniently packaged, palm-sized APP?  Imagine no more, your dreams have become a reality.  Cat Sounds.  It is 12 different cat sounds.

SchottGunn

With realistic shot gun loading action and firing sounds, nothing tops this APP… especially during a long bus ride with strangers… or a large lecture hall during an exam.

Android LightSaber

Remember Star Wars?  That’s all I’m going to tell you.  Just go download it.  Now.

Oh, and in case you have an iPhone, I don’t want to discriminate or anything.  I have a must-have App suggestion for you:

Glow Stick Free: Motion Controlled Glowstick – FREE

Remember Glow Sticks?  Well, now you’ll never forget, thanks to this free iPhone APP.  Looking for your keys in the dark?  Need an ice breaker to start a conversation with that pretty lady you just met at the bar?  Do you need a psychedelic extension of your upper limbs to roll and pulse with the beat as Ecstasy and assorted alcohols course through your veins out on the dance floor?  This APP does it all.

You’re welcome.

“A new analysis of reviews and articles about the controversial diabetes drug Avandia has found that experts who were paid by its manufacturer have been significantly more likely than others to draw positive conclusions about the drug’s safety and efficacy.” – The New York Times

To whom it may concern:

Below you will find my rates to conduct “research” on your company’s product. Fees are payable either via direct deposit, or in the form of perks and services. If, however, you choose to pay via goods/services only, please assume double the cost listed for comparable “research” results.

$0-$1000: Not only will I reveal and amplify any and all flaws, side-effects, and potential interactions associated with your drug, I will be compelled to mention how offended I was to learn that your company felt that they could buy my, and assumedly other professionals’, opinions for so low a price.

$1000-$10K: At this price point I can promise to assess your drug fairly, and, to the best of my ability, accurately. Before you sign up for anything, though, think about what that really means for you. And think about how visceral the market’s reaction is to the threat of loose stools and/or anal leakage.

$10K-$50K: In this range, the following side-effects will no longer be found to have statistical significance: hair loss, hair growth, warts with or without crop-circle formations, nausea, both dry and spigot-mouths, and inexplicable feelings for Barry Manilow.

And don’t worry, nobody notices a few flipper-babies more or less these days. At least, if we’re closer to the $50K side, I sure don’t notice those.

$50K-$100K: All statistically significant side-effects, up to and including tumors, heart failure, and gangrene, will be downgraded to low-incidence and/or statistically insignificant levels of occurrence. Likewise, side-effects previously determined to be low-incidence or statistically insignificant will be bumped off the bottom rung of the ladder.

In addition to these services, you may choose one of the following options: laundry for a year, guaranteed designated-driving to all the sweetest parties, or one night of no-holds-barred intimacy with my wife.

Full disclosure: my wife is an “in okay shape for 50″ sort of lady. In her heyday, she was a six, maybe a six and a half.

$100K-$500K: I’ll be happy to claim that your drug had the totally unexpected side effect of curing a handful of cancers in my studies with lab rats.

Full disclosure: my wife is still on the table if you want to just tack that one on.

$500K-$1M: I’ll be happy to claim that pesky illegitimate son who keeps trying to “establish contact with his birth dad,” complete with “lab results” proving my paternity.

$1M+: Who do you need “off your back?” Because I have a crapload of “totally safe” pills on hand, some pretty strong ties to my local medical examiners, and an interest in discovering “off-label” uses for your company, if you know what I’m saying.

Just say the word.

And pay me. Research at these levels doesn’t come free.

I’ve had a pretty eventful life, and as I’ve headed into adulthood, I started really taking a look at who I was, and where my life was headed. My therapist told me that I needed to “let go” and “stop creating things that are getting in the way of my success”.

I am not going to lie to you, I have no idea what she is talking about, but during the course of my therapy I started to notice a reoccurring theme…

Tom Hanks has singlehandedly ruined my life.

My Parents’ Divorce

It is 1984, and I am 3 years old, and my younger brother has just been born. The movie Splash, starring Tom Hanks is out in theatres. My Mother and Father are arguing over dinner.

Dad: “You used to look just like that Darryl Hannah… I miss that… maybe eat a salad or something once and awhile…”

Mom: “I just gave you another Child goddamn it! Besides, she’s a fucking mermaid!!”

Dad: “Don’t raise your voice in front of the children…”
A few months later they were divorced.

Tom Hanks, you’ve ruined my life.

My Body Image Issues

It is 1988 and I am 7 years old and in first grade. Everyone has seen the movie Big, starring Tom Hanks. I am the tallest girl in my class and all the kids start calling me Josh Baskin and teasing me incessantly.

“Josh Baskin! Josh Baskin! Shimmy Shimmy Co Co Puff!!”

I start self-medicating with food and my parents decide to have me placed into a special school for pre-adolescent overweight and extremely tall girls.

Tom Hanks, you’ve ruined my life.

My Crippling Fear of Dogs

It is 1989, and it is my first summer break after being transferred to a special school for pre-adolescent overweight and extremely tall girls. Although the curriculum is structured around a strict diet and exercise regimen, I am not yet at my physical peak after gaining a staggering amount of weight due to Tom Hanks’ role in the Motion Picture Big.

It is late August, and I am walking through my neighborhood, getting my heart rate up in preparation for the first day of school. Turner and Hooch starring Tom Hanks is my current favorite movie. I come around the corner in my cul-de-sac and a brown bulldog charges at me.

“No Hooch! No!!” the neighbor boy yells.

The dog ends up biting through my jeans, and I have to go to the ER for a Rabies shot.

Tom Hanks, you’ve ruined my life.

My Stepfather’s Passing

It is 1990 and my Mother has since remarried.  My Stepfather is a shoe salesman who’s allergy to cotton has given him chronic and incurable bronchitis from inhaling shoestring fibers, and he is given 6 months to live.  His spirits are lifted after seeing Joe Versus the Volcano starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan.

Wanting to spend his remaining months in peace, he quits his dehumanizing job and we take a family trip to Hawaii.  We are on a guided tour of the mountains when I trip on a rock in the hiking path, which causes me to push my Stepfather’s wheelchair, and him, into the open mouth of a live volcano. His body is never recovered.

Tom Hanks, you’ve ruined my life.

******************************************************************************************************************

Look… this is very difficult for me.

I’m slowly, but surely making progress.  Everyday I am able to uncover more of the truth… allowing me to be able to accept myself, and move on with my life.  I am ready to stop making excuses for the way my life has turned out, and just really take ownership of the fact that Tom Hanks has ruined my life.