I recently had the opportunity to sit down with Professor C.H. Dalton, the Charles Lindbergh Professor of Ethnography at the New Jersey Institute for Advanced Studies. Professor Dalton is on the forefront of the modern advancement of the study of Ethnography, which prior to the groundbreaking social observances made in his previous mildly controversial text In Defense of Rape and his most recent scholarship A Practical Guide to Racism, was simply some dudes sitting around documenting how people be actin’ and shit. Between his intense course load, office hours, video lectures and Weekly Missives, this intellectual leviathan was gracious in allowing me just a few spare moments of his precious little available time in order to answer some burning questions that I, and what I can only assume the entire rest of the human race past present and future, would appreciate knowing the answers to.
BTTV: Good day professor. In my extensive research done for this piece, I learned that your studies began in the field of Anthropology, moving to a focus on Biology, Genetics, Taxonomy and the promise of Eugenics. I don’t know what the majority of those words mean, but I totally changed my major like 3 times too. Please, elaborate on your decisions.
My first love was, like Nabokov, lepidoptery. But unfortunately my dear, departed father (he now lives on Tenerife) deemed the study of butterflies “too faggy” for his only son and heir. After he burned my collection, and beat me savagely for my resistance, I turned to a new pursuit: observing the behavior of our servants in the human ant farm known as “below stairs.” This pastime had, I came to discover, an academic name: anthropology. So in my professional career I consider myself an anthropologist, but I have also endeavored to discover the biological and evolutionary roots of the behavioral traits I observe, including ethnic inclinations like stinginess, in Scotsmen, or cannibalism, in blacks.
BTTV: Cool. I finally settled on my major because there weren’t any math classes. So, like, what are some of the classes you teach?
I am currently on a research sabbatical in the Chelsea district of New York, but my normal course-load includes any variety of introductory and advanced Anthropology sessions, as well as Phrenology, Ethnography (that is, the study of race), and my newest concentration — only lightly touched on in APGTR — Sexual Ethnography. That is, the study of “Sexual Races” like gays, and women.
BTTV: OMG, that sounds super interesting. Totally hard, but super interesting. Do you have any crazy stories from class?
Funny you should ask. One of my former students has actually gone on to a successful career in television, on “The Office,” playing the receptionist, “Erin.” Your readers might enjoy watching us interact: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mbQ20f8uIeA
BTTV: Hahahaa! No WAY! Ok, so you have written all these articles and books as well as developed What If’s? I mean, what is next on your research docket at this point?
Ah, my “What If?s.” No publisher has yet expressed any interest in publishing them, but I have an abiding passion for historical counterfactuals like “What if the South had won the Civil War?” or “What if Hitler had married Marilyn Monroe?” It’s a great hobby of mine. Research-wise, though, I’m embedded among a group of “Bears” at a club called The Manhole in west Manhattan. It’s been a fascinating experience so far, they’ve really taken me in as one of their own. I feel like a barrel-chested Margaret Mead amongst the savage Samoans.
BTTV: Totally impressive. So I’m reading A Practical Guide to Racism (actually, my fucking roommates put it somewhere and I can’t find it, but I for real am) and you make several astonishing observances within. For example your diagram of the Hispanic Mind, and your drawing of parallels between the Jews and the Zombies. Also, the entire African American chapter. Please explain the Scientific Method, and how it was used in gathering and deciphering this empirical evidence or whatever.
The scientific method consists of three stages: Observation, Snack-time, and Publication (or “OSP”). First, I undertake first-hand observation of my subjects — or, if that’s not realistic due to travel costs or extinction, second-hand reading. Then, I let it all sink in with a cup of hot cocoa and a short nap (no more than three hours). Finally, I write up my conclusions and send the result off to be published in a peer-reviewed journal like The Journal of Ethnography, or The Mississippi Review of Books.
BTTV: Totally. Ok, I gotta ask you. What’s your favorite band or song? I see you released an album the Top Notch Education of C.H. Dalton… is it rap?
After a fashion. My frenemy Cornel West released his own spoken word album, and I foolishly felt the need to follow suit. Mine was a bit less well received (it received an official condemnation from the NAACP). I can be a bit competitive, the same way I released that book, “Christopher Hitchens Is An Asshole” (Liberty University Press 2009) after he had that big bestseller about Atheism. I’m not proud of it. But personally, my favorite style of music is music-box music. Nothing soothes me like the tinkling of a music box, as a tiny ballerina spins in place above the workings. That, and late ’70s Post-Punk like Gang of Four.
BTTV: So cool. Well Professor, I know you are on a very tight schedule, so I do not want to let this go on too long. In closing, do you have any final thoughts for our readers?
In the words of the immortal Mr. T, from his short-lived “T-Force” comic in the late 1990s: “Pump iron and books!” Good advice, from a good man.
BTTV: Awesome. Thanks again!
Professor Dalton’s latest text, A Practical Guide to Racism can be found on Amazon.com or by visiting his website A Practical Guide to Racism. You may also refer to his website in order to keep abreast of his latest Weekly Missives, Video Lectures, Class Schedules and Office Hours.
