“A new analysis of reviews and articles about the controversial diabetes drug Avandia has found that experts who were paid by its manufacturer have been significantly more likely than others to draw positive conclusions about the drug’s safety and efficacy.” – The New York Times

To whom it may concern:

Below you will find my rates to conduct “research” on your company’s product. Fees are payable either via direct deposit, or in the form of perks and services. If, however, you choose to pay via goods/services only, please assume double the cost listed for comparable “research” results.

$0-$1000: Not only will I reveal and amplify any and all flaws, side-effects, and potential interactions associated with your drug, I will be compelled to mention how offended I was to learn that your company felt that they could buy my, and assumedly other professionals’, opinions for so low a price.

$1000-$10K: At this price point I can promise to assess your drug fairly, and, to the best of my ability, accurately. Before you sign up for anything, though, think about what that really means for you. And think about how visceral the market’s reaction is to the threat of loose stools and/or anal leakage.

$10K-$50K: In this range, the following side-effects will no longer be found to have statistical significance: hair loss, hair growth, warts with or without crop-circle formations, nausea, both dry and spigot-mouths, and inexplicable feelings for Barry Manilow.

And don’t worry, nobody notices a few flipper-babies more or less these days. At least, if we’re closer to the $50K side, I sure don’t notice those.

$50K-$100K: All statistically significant side-effects, up to and including tumors, heart failure, and gangrene, will be downgraded to low-incidence and/or statistically insignificant levels of occurrence. Likewise, side-effects previously determined to be low-incidence or statistically insignificant will be bumped off the bottom rung of the ladder.

In addition to these services, you may choose one of the following options: laundry for a year, guaranteed designated-driving to all the sweetest parties, or one night of no-holds-barred intimacy with my wife.

Full disclosure: my wife is an “in okay shape for 50″ sort of lady. In her heyday, she was a six, maybe a six and a half.

$100K-$500K: I’ll be happy to claim that your drug had the totally unexpected side effect of curing a handful of cancers in my studies with lab rats.

Full disclosure: my wife is still on the table if you want to just tack that one on.

$500K-$1M: I’ll be happy to claim that pesky illegitimate son who keeps trying to “establish contact with his birth dad,” complete with “lab results” proving my paternity.

$1M+: Who do you need “off your back?” Because I have a crapload of “totally safe” pills on hand, some pretty strong ties to my local medical examiners, and an interest in discovering “off-label” uses for your company, if you know what I’m saying.

Just say the word.

And pay me. Research at these levels doesn’t come free.